How to tell if you are burning out and what to do about it
The below is a transcript of my IG Live conversation with Michelle De Klerk of the Women’s Chapter in October 2021.
Michelle De Klerk (MDK) : Having spoken to so many of the Women's Chapter members recently, we've all got a sense of overwhelm. Things are returning to a new normal and we're all expected to be back on the grind and I think for a lot of people that's very challenging, and understandably so. So, even more now than ever we need to be talking about this overwhelm and how to be aware of it.
I would love to start with asking you, from your perspective, to describe what burnout is. It's quite possible that it means different things for different people. How would you describe the burnout feeling or situation?
How do you know you’re burning out?
SK: For some people it's more obvious and for some it's imperceptible. But you'll know it is a burnout when it changes your character, so you start being more withdrawn, you start to not have energy for things and just not being present for people and events. And this seems normal to you because you've got the justification of ‘well I've got too much on’. But then other people see your energy, and that you're just not your normal energetic self. So, when you get feedback like that from others. I think it's important to notice. Or when you feel that, where you'd normally have energy for something, you just rather go to sleep. That's my personal definition, it may not work for everyone, but that's what I found. It was a very, very gradual loss of energy. I didn't even realise because in my head it was, it was very logical; I was doing what I thought was best.
The root cause of a burnout, and this could be a personal definition; is that you're either doing work that is not aligned with your values, or you're not supported in the work you're doing, or you are doing something you love and you are supported, but you don't have any recovery strategies to deal with the daily stress.
So for example, you don't have a social network around you, you don't sleep enough, you don't eat balanced meals, you don't train, or you train too much, essentially one stress is stacked on top of the other and the cumulative stress is too much for what you can handle. That's my experience and definition, it may not be for everyone, but I hope it's helpful to some.
MDK: Certainly there are many elements of what you've just said now that I have felt, at different times and also all in one go. So, I think these are important conversations to be had. Something that you said about getting feedback from people around you; I think also making sure that you're surrounded by people that you feel will support you and can give you honest feedback and can tell you, when they're noticing a difference or a change in you in a constructive way. And being open to receiving that kind of feedback, I think that's also very challenging and can add to that feeling of isolation and feeling like you're going through something alone.
Your whole business journey with More Life Adventures started on the back of a burnout experience. I'd love you to tell us a bit more about how you got to where you are now, because clearly there was a lot of work that you've done on yourself, but also on your business to get to where you are now.
SK: Yes, I had to learn about recovery strategies through this journey. So I finished my architecture qualification and I worked in architecture for quite a few years but I didn't have anything in place to manage my stress. So, during that time, I learned to train, and I learned to hydrate. I learned to write things down. I was someone who just didn't move enough in the day, and didn't feel my feelings. So I did a few courses and a lot of counselling and they helped me to write things down and really feel my feelings.
I wouldn't even admit to myself that I didn’t enjoy my work. I thought, well, it pays the bills, and I've worked hard to get here. Why would I quit?
Slowly the reasons grew bigger and bigger. And you have to almost give yourself permission to leave because on the face of it, you're in quite a privileged situation: you're earning good money, you're on a career ladder, why would you give that up? But the stress of not admitting my feelings to myself just started growing inside. I did counselling and also I had a supportive boss. One day when I said to him, I'm thinking of leaving and going to do a course. His response was, ‘you don't have kids, you don't have a mortgage, what are you waiting for? Just go, live your life, experience what you need to experience, and if you're meant to come back, you will.’ So this gave me permission to quit architecture and I slowly transitioned to fitness.
We all know to sleep eight hours a day, to move during the day, to hydrate, to eat nutritious food, and preferably organic, to have a relationship with nature, to have a social circle, a group of friends you can rely on, to be able to reflect…
We know that these things are good for us, so why don't we do them? Maybe because deep down we think we don’t deserve them.
‘I don't deserve to rest. I'll make time for my feelings when I've done my work. I don't deserve to sleep or, organic fruit is expensive or whatever.’
We have beliefs that are preventing us from doing what is good for us. We think of balance as a luxury, or that we can't afford it right now for various reasons. So before we create a new to-do list, instead let’s question why we are not allowing ourselves to live this healthy life, with eight hours of sleep a day. If you're a mother with a newborn, please forgive me, this is not intended for you. For everyone else who doesn't have a little one waking them up every few hours though; what is it that's keeping you awake?
MDK: It's interesting that you talk about that, knowing what's good for us, we know what we need to do.
Working to the root of what holds us back, I think a lot of the time its fear. Fear of failure, fear of trying something new, or making a change and it being worse than what we have now. And, certainly, for me, it is also about being grateful. You know, we were raised to be grateful for all the good things we have and to not rock the boat.
So in the case of your architecture career, you were in a privileged position, you had a good salary and a good job. You've done all the right things, you've gone to university and you've got the job and, and yet, you knew in your heart, that wasn't right for you. So, I think a lot of us, we follow these paths that we set out for ourselves because there's an expectation on us. And then you build layers and layers and ultimately it becomes more difficult for you to break them down to make a change. And then you have that little voice of fear and doubt on your shoulder, saying that if you make all these changes, it could be even worse than what you have now. So there's all those things that sabotage us, knowing what is good for us and just going for it. And kind of throwing caution to the wind, I guess, you're right, it's to preserve safety. In order to keep us safe.
SK: But we then have to weigh the pros and cons of staying where we are. For example, how safe is it really for me to stay in this job in the long run?
You mentioned how a lot of us have to transition back to working from an office now. Is this sustainable for everyone in the long run? Is it safer to go back to a job you know but waste a lot of time commuting every day, or is it safer to actually try a different job? I don't know. Everyone has to answer these questions for themselves, it's not for me to say, ‘oh yeah, just make the leap’. The lockdown definitely helped us do a bit of introspection.
MDK: Absolutely. And I think we'll see a lot of change coming out a lot and we have already, even just in my own friendship circles and within the Women's Chapter the innovations that have happened within businesses, but also the changes in people's personal lives. I think it's given us permission to do what we want. And we've had a taste of a different kind of life, with more flexibility. I know for many people that wasn't the case over lockdown because the domestic duties escalated exponentially and they still were juggling work and kids and things on top of it, but I think it did make us all question what we really wanted. And it gave us a reminder of our mortality, that life is short and if we're not doing something that we love, that sets our hearts on fire, that we need to start looking at putting steps in place to move towards that. Even if it's not as you said, taking the leap, but making small changes.
So having recovered from burnout, what are your top tips with the people that you work with, for your fitness business as well as More Life Adventures? What are your top tips for how they can start to recover from it, once they've identified it?
Have a holiday
SK: I'm biased obviously, but my first tip would be to have a holiday. You probably won't guess this, but I was someone who never took breaks, ever. I remember going on holiday once, and it was during the Icelandic volcanic ash incident. I was stuck, we were all stuck, we couldn't get back and I remember frantically writing to my boss and being like, ‘I'll be there in two days, I've just got in a car, we're driving through Europe’, And he just said ‘relax, enjoy your holiday’. And I remember feeling so guilty that it would take me two extra days to get back to England because of the volcanic ash incident.
Take a break because every time you take a break, you distance yourself from the situation you’re in, and you're able to think a bit more clearly. I would say take a break in nature, don't necessarily plan for a full schedule. Just go walking, swimming, just be in nature, and that will create enough distance from your everyday reality that you'll be able to see your circumstances better.
Sleep
I'd say sleep, even though I've been a terrible practitioner of this, I'm now reading the Why We Sleep book by Matthew Walker. Highly recommended. Again, it's something that I personally have had to give myself permission to do, and by like feeling that I deserve to end the day that I've done enough in the day that I now deserve sleep, and I know it sounds pathetic, but he makes enough of a case for sleeping that you think, ‘wow, I'm just stepping into this wonderful period of my day now, all these wonderful things are gonna happen while I sleep’ so you walk into your bedtime like you deserve to get your rest.
Feel your feelings
And lastly, feel your feelings. This is very personal to me as I was living by other people’s standards. Just be honest with where you're at, as long as we're alive, we have options, you don't have to go down something you started if it really isn't working for you. If you've done everything you could and it's not working, maybe there are other options. Just feel your feelings and take it from there.
MDK: I recently had a conversation with someone who, after having only been in a new job for six weeks has given her notice, and it was kind of her dream job. And she said it was the hardest decision she's ever had to make. Because with each week that she stayed, she [got clearer] that it was not the right place for her, for a variety of reasons. And so she handed in her notice without knowing where she was going to go, or what she was going to do. Fortunately, she has a partner so that financially, she can bridge the gap. But, she said ‘I still question; have I made the right decision’.
Someone once told me at the very beginning of my business journey that you can always afford to walk away. And that applies I think to both personal and professional situations.
SK: For anyone who's thinking that I’m giving everyone permission to quit, no that’s not the idea. [I’m just saying that it’s good to] to admit where you're at, and then maybe have a conversation with your boss, because they might not know that you're feeling overwhelmed or that there’s something going on at home.
When you acknowledge it to yourself, then you can communicate it to someone else. The other person may not know that they need to accommodate something that you're feeling. So it's the beginning of a conversation that may not lead to you quitting anything, it just may lead to negotiation, better collaboration.
Just being honest starts a conversation with those around you, who can support you better.
MDK: Brilliant. You run a variety of different programs under your name and More Life Adventures that help people who are experiencing varying degrees of burnout or before after stages. Can you tell us about some of those programs because I know they will fit in with your advice for recovery?
SK: Yes, so one [thing I offer] is live fitness classes; this is specific to anyone who's reached a plateau with high-intensity training.
There are a few reasons why people might find HIIT unsustainable at some point:
One is that they're not recovering properly, for example, they're not sleeping enough. Training is another stress on top of all the other stresses and if you don't eat well and don’t sleep enough, you aren’t actually getting stronger or fitter, just more tired.
The second one is getting injured, either because of overtraining or because of a lack of strength or flexibility.
And lastly, not breathing properly. So if you're constantly out of breath, that's not what interval training is, you should sprint, and recover enough to sprint again. If you're constantly out of breath, then your body is constantly fatigued, that’s not sustainable training, it ends up leaving you depleted.
So, run these live classes in the mornings, with weighted or bodyweight training, and we slow movements down and increase the time your muscles are under tension. So it's harder work and you get to think about how you're moving. We do a lot of single-leg work and single-arm work so if you have any imbalances, you work on them. We do some skill work, on Wednesdays we work on handstands, on Thursdays we do focused kettlebell work.
You can do these classes from home, you need a little bit of equipment, but if you're prepared to spend a bit of money on some weights, you can join in your activewear in your lounge. This was something that obviously started in lockdown but I've enjoyed carrying on because I feel that it works, and the people that do it get something out of it so that fulfils me. So I would honestly recommend it if you love moving and don't just train to burn calories if you love to connect with your body and move more fluently.
MDK: Also speaking from personal experience, that kind of training gives us such a high and puts us in a really good position for productivity and clear-headedness. I used to do HIIT sessions where I’d have to go to sleep for two hours afterwards. Not good. The kind of strength training that you're talking about really sets you up for the day. And for women, as we get older, it's something that we all really need to build into our training regime each week.
SK: 100%. So you said that sometimes you do sessions where you need to go to sleep afterwards. Nothing wrong with that, if you've worked hard, do it. Just don't do it at 7am before a long day of work; that's why I do these on weekdays before work so that you can leave the session, have breakfast, go to work, and feel good and not feel like you need to sleep. But absolutely nothing wrong with you needing a lot of sleep after a hard session.
The other point you made about women needing more strength training, yes 100%. I'm 44 years old. I am in the perimenopause years. Statistically, this is where your bone mineral density can start to decrease but with strength training, you are helping your body create more bone. So, if you haven't started strength training, why not start now.
MDK: Now, speaking about women you recently ran a wellness retreat for women. What was the main kind of what firstly sparked you to fit that. And what was the outcome of it?
SK: Yes, the nutritionist who I’ve worked with in the past said to me back in 2019, ‘I'd love us to do a women's retreat at some point in the future’. At the time I was doing one of his courses, for exactly that, for training around the menstrual cycle. The menstrual cycle is an added complication for women who train, it messes up that linear progression where you add a bit of weight every week for 3 weeks, and then de-load on the fourth week, it doesn’t always work like that for women.
Then COVID happened, we couldn't run any retreats, I ran one in 2020 and then in 2021 we decided to plan a Women's retreat. Liam's company is called pH nutrition, and I worked with Becs Sandwith who works for pH nutrition. She works with a lot of women, and she helps them to eat properly to perform well in the gym, and to live well.
We had a fantastic time. Becs gave three talks on nutrition, and especially around the cycle and we had some really good conversations. And we also had a mindset coach who led a couple of workshops on self-talk and goal-setting. And again, you know these are slightly taboo subjects, not talked about enough. So I think people left with some new tools and some new ways to think about their cycle and their goals. They left more empowered.
Having those conversations is a big step in itself. We don't get to have these conversations very often. I really enjoyed it and I think others enjoyed it as well.
MDK: Even just the concept of fuelling your body correctly throughout your cycle, what nutrients you might be needing at certain times, and also the relief, and the freedom that comes from understanding that the way you feel at different times in the month, that you're not alone. You know that other people have had similar experiences. This self-talk that you were speaking about, how we can be really hard on ourselves, but actually, physiologically they can be an explanation for why we're feeling the way that we're feeling.
SK: 100%. I can tell you that for the past 16 months my period has come with migraines and vomiting, I went to hospital, they said this is a stress issue, but also I had low vitamin D. If we're stressed in any way, you'll have a hormonal response. So, having a forum, a place where we can all share and learn from one another is important. I'm now part of a coaching call that Maisie Hill runs, I don't know if you've come across Maisie Hill, she's written two books. One is called Period Power and the other is called Perimenopause Power, and I think she's working on her third one. She's got a podcast that's free, it's called the Period Power podcast.
MDK: Thank you. So with regard to your retreats, are there any other programs in the pipeline?
SK: Yeah, absolutely. So, we polled our audience a little bit, we asked ‘in the winter, do you want to go somewhere hot or somewhere cold’ and everybody said somewhere hot! So we're planning a retreat on a Spanish island. And then the next Devon retreat is in April. We have an amazing weightlifting coach with us so we will chill in countryside, go hiking, go swimming but also learn to lift.
MDK: Well, I don't know South Devon but North Devon, I went hiking there in the beginning of the summer and I was blown away. I'm a bit of a beach snob, and I was just blown away. No one believed when they saw my Instagram stories that I was in England.
SK: Absolutely. In England people love to travel abroad, so it's not easy to say we are going to Devon, but I think it's worth it, there are beautiful spots worth exploring and it's only three, four hours away from London.
In the summer, we're going to Crete again with Power Monkey Fitness, which is a fitness coaching company in the States and they have done fitness camps for a very long time. And we're doing a few projects together now, so keep an eye out on Instagram and on the website!
MDK: As we end off, I wondered if you had one piece of advice, or one tip that you could offer someone who suspect they may be suffering from burnout or maybe possibly on the brink, something that they can do now for themselves, that might either help them realise where they're at, or give them permission, a sense of relief, and I don't know what would that piece of advice be.
SK: I do a lot of journaling and now I'm doing a mindset coaching course. So we use journaling, as the main tool for that, and three things to write down at the end of each day, but ideally every day for while you're feeling stuck. Every day go somewhere quiet, somewhere you're not going to be disturbed, and write down three things.
How are you feeling right now, what happened during the day that you might want to explore, just dump all your emotions on paper with absolutely no judgment.
Number two, write down where you want to be in three years’ time.
MDK: Wow, every day.
SK: Yes, because that will keep you on track. Maybe every two days, but the more often you do it, the more consistent you'll be. I am training weightlifting and every second or third day I write down what kind of weightlifter I want to be in three years because otherwise I'll get distracted and start missing training and doing other things.
MDK: Is that an envisioning piece as well, to set your intention before for the future and I suppose by doing that, you're fuelling it to ultimately manifest into how you see yourself?
SK: Exactly, if I want to be that person in three years, how do I break that down into one-year goals and one-month and one-week goals. And what about today’s goals. I don't want to complicate it for people if they are stuck. I want them to write three things:
Where they are right now, just dump your feelings onto paper.
Where do you want to be in three years?
What are you grateful for, like what went well, today, because at the end of the day, if we're not celebrating those things, we'll just constantly be looking for the next thing.
MDK: And for many of us who are high achievers, we don't stop to take stock of how far we've come, and to actually celebrate the successes and the progress. We constantly just keep pushing and being hard enough on ourselves about all the things we haven't achieved yet.
I hear this consistently from so many of the successful women that I've interviewed over the years, who always say ‘celebrate your wins, even if you have to keep a logbook of them’, which essentially this is would constitute. It would make up a logbook of your success as well as your intention to really think about the small things, and then cumulatively the big things that you have achieved and to pat yourself on the back.
SK: If anyone wants to send these to me, to look over, I'm more than happy like I said I'm doing this mindset coaching course at the minute, and I would love to help people. So if they need accountability I’m here for them. Normally the accountability piece is missing, no one checks your journal so you can skip it and no one will know. But if you want the accountability, which is really important, send your journal to me I'll check it.
MDK: It has been so wonderful talking to you. Thanks so much for taking the time today. You certainly put a spring in my step, and I'm going to take on this little challenge of doing those three things every day. Thank you very much for anyone that's looking to connect with Stella, hop over to her personal account and More Life Adventures. She has fantastic websites for both businesses so you'll be able to find all the resources, information that you need to book her classes as well as the retreats.